After coming off a recent 4-day retreat I led, I find myself filled with an overflowing sense of gratitude. It’s been one of my favorite retreat experiences and hands-down one of the best things I’ve done in a long time.
There are many things that can go wrong during such an event — tension between participants, frustration with accommodation and food options, unexpected negative reactions that derail the energy of the group.
While there were minor challenges, like roommates who snored and food allergies we didn’t know about, this was one of those retreats where things mostly went right. People opened up, connected, cried, laughed and the ending was beautifully, painfully bittersweet.
The feedback seemed overwhelmingly positive; “20 out of 10!” and “this was transformational” and “my view on life has completely changed.”
As I soak in the afterglow of this experience I’m asking myself: how can I do this again?
One mentor reminded me that each retreat is going to be different and not always butterflies and cupcakes. But I hope that at least by identifying the right ingredients for the soup, the soup can taste pretty good most of the time.
A few takeaways below:
Is more silence really better?
On the first day, we took away people’s phones and everyone went into “Noble Silence,” meaning that there would be no talking allowed for the entire retreat except for check-ins with me. This is standard practice for many retreats particularly in the Buddhist tradition.
It quickly became clear that this was not the right time for Noble Silence. Three people came to me expressing signs pointing to underlying trauma that was going to make this challenging for them. Enforcing silence would have likely caused intense reactions that I am not trained to deal with. And besides, the theme of the retreat was metta or loving-kindness, so what better way to foster friendliness and kindness than actually speaking with each other?
I changed the guideline to make noble silence optional and asked people to keep it to a whisper around the meditation hall. This would allow for those who did want more silence to meditate quietly and leave it open to the individual. I also interspersed structured periods of silence during a hike and the group meditations themselves.
I honestly believe that the feeling of connection, joy and love with each other that blossomed throughout the retreat was in no small part due to the fact people could talk. While I am the guide/teacher, there’s a huge benefit when people can share their experiences amongst themselves and support each other rather than depending on the opinion of one person. Some of my own insights have come simply from hearing the stories of others.
After this experience I believe that fully silent retreats are probably not accessible or right for most people. The whole “silent yogi” thing is not as necessary as I once believed for transformation. Not to mention, the aftermath of the pandemic includes more anxiety and loneliness. Silence can be important for introspection & deepening meditation, but connecting with each other is equally if not more important. Finding a balance is key. *cough* *cough* The middle path.
Getting out of the head is a crucial first step
There are two ways we typically experience the world:
1) through our heads or
2) through our bodies
Most of the time we spend our lives living in our heads. We plan, organize, analyze, ruminate, fantasize, calculate, and rationalize. Thinking, thinking, thinking. Other times we are connected to our five senses, and also interoception, the feeling of how our body feels. The taste of curry, the smell of roses, the view of an expansive sky, and the gut feeling we have about a decision.
Our natural intuition is stifled when we over-emphasize the mental and ignore the wisdom of our own bodies. Tension, stress, trauma, fear, all of it is stored in the body in the form of repeating patterns and blocks. When we start to feel what our emotions are actually like in the body, and not just the story we are telling ourselves, we can pave the path to awareness and insight, which can then transform us.
The retreat was 3 nights and 4 days, but really only two full days of activities. The first full day we started with a fairly intense breathing and yoga session. Later in the afternoon we did a barefoot hike in silence (much easier to be “in the body” when you are stepping on sharp stones for 30 minutes), followed by meditation in the park and soaking in the hot springs and cold bath.
In addition, meditating outdoors, which is how meditation was practiced for most of history, makes it easy to be present as you have lots of reminders - sounds of birds, a gentle breeze, bees buzzing around and the feeling of earth beneath your feet.
If we had sat down to meditate for hours from day one, people would just be struggling with physical discomfort and repetitive storylines. Quieting the mind that way can take a long time. By coming into the body we could jumpstart the process of really feeling into the meditation practice without getting overly caught up in our thinking. The emotions surfaced and the quiet mind came more naturally.
Making time for individual self-expression
On the second day I hosted a 1-1 check-in with everyone in the group. This was a time when they could ask me questions in private or share whatever was on their minds. A person described these check-ins as a “genius” idea, although it’s really just standard practice in most retreats.
In my own time on retreats, I feel that most teachers have not been very helpful in answering questions apart from specific, technical questions about the technique. I always felt rushed or that my difficult experiences were brushed over as “part of the process,” without really acknowledging what I was saying.
A meditation teacher once said that “80% of the questions I get from beginner meditators have nothing to do with meditation” or something along those lines. I found this to be true. There were a few questions about the meditation techniques themselves, but most of the conversation centered around expressing one’s emotions and struggles.
Outside of having a friend or counselor that listens empathetically, it is rare that we are simply heard. Especially when emotions bubble up during a retreat like this, it can feel very nice to release the pressure valve. In order to do this, I took the approach of listening without making everything about meditation.
Carl Rogers once said that “acceptance is the prerequisite to change.” In the context of listening to others, if we can listen with an open heart and mind, without immediately offering a solution, the mere verbal expression of a feeling can be enough for the emotion to run its course. Acceptance softens the block.
These 1-1 sessions were pretty tiring for me as they went from 5 minutes to 15 minutes per person. In the future I will probably split these up throughout the day or take a break in between so that I can maintain my energy and presence!
Forgiveness is powerful stuff
The breakthrough session for many people was our session on Forgiveness. It’s a practice I have been doing on my own for a couple of years now that has helped me let go of the past. It’s one of the most powerful ones I know. I shared three layers of forgiveness based on the teachings of Jack Kornfield and Bhante Vimalaramsi. They are:
Forgiving myself
Forgiving others for what they have done
Asking forgiveness from others who have hurt me
Within 5 minutes of starting the meditation, the air in the room shifted. There was a buzzing energy that felt like it was inviting people to release. Pretty quickly a couple of people started crying. And then most of the room burst into tears, including myself. I had no idea what I was letting go of — and often times you don’t, it just happens — but it sure felt big. The others, who didn’t feel a release, later mentioned they felt an incredible amount of compassion for those around them who were in pain.
Why is forgiveness so powerful? We often wonder how to be more happy, content, joyful, loving and free. We spend a lot of our lives chasing these states. The big secret they don’t tell you is that these states arise naturally when you allow and let go of the anger, fear, sadness, and hatred inside of you. That’s the trick, and it’s why forgiveness gets the job done so well.
You can think about these emotions or states of consciousness as layers. With each layer that you let go of, it gives rise to a higher layer. When you are no longer anger, you can find acceptance, and then courage, and then eventually love and joy. The more “positive” states are not ones you have to cultivate intentionlly (although that helps), but they come up naturally when you remove the blocks to your heart.
Dealing with Countertransference
The quality of the retreat partly (or largely) depends on the quality of my presence. If I am jittery, scatter-brained, or defensive, this is going to impact the entire group vibe. The interesting part about this is that even without much preparation or material, if I can maintain a high level of presence of my internal state and the external state of what’s going on, then things tend to go smoothly.
Countertransference is when I am impacted by how the group is feeling, and then I react or transfer that feeling back in my own speaking/actions. For example, one person who I spoke with on the retreat was getting critical and defensive. I kept my cool, yet I felt there was some resistance on my side that I realized later. In turn, I had become a little distracted during a following session and found myself “telling” instead of showing. (I got my point across in the end but it didn’t feel very smooth)
When I am impacted by the mood or reaction of others, the best thing I can do is to acknowledge it in the moment. This can also be the hardest, as it can often fly under the radar, or come out as reactivity without any room for pausing in between.
It takes an intention, which I am continuously working on and reminding myself of, to simply pause and notice what’s arising the body-mind. “Let me sit with that for a minute. I am feeling a bit of my own resistance coming up.” This is usually enough to let it pass and to allow for a response rather than a reaction.
I am continuing to work on this to make it into a habit, not just on retreat, but in daily life!
Transformation is bi-directional
The last night I had a dream that I had a sister (although I’m actually an only child) who was rowing a boat. Somehow she fell off. We couldn’t find her body, but there were clothes, and evidence that she’d drowned. Two people gave me a hug to console me. There was a feeling of peace and acceptance when I woke up. Like something had been released and everything was okay.
My interpretation of the dream: The river, flowing body of water, or journeying through the sky are usually signs that you are making progress in your life’s journey. The opposite sex in the dream represents you, or a part of you. To me, this dream meant that I had let go of part of myself and done so with acceptance. I didn’t know exactly what it was but there was “evidence” that I had, and a warm, loving acceptance of the situation.
Retreats are opportunities for me to guide people on a transformational journey. They are also chances for me to learn a lot about myself as I interact with others and take part in the meditations myself. This time, I had the real gift of feeling some shifts within myself, and for that I am very grateful.
Thanks for reading! Drop me a comment and let’s chat :)
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Thanks Misha! I found lots of helpful insights in this piece.
During much of my meditation career, I have thrown myself into lengthy silent retreats featuring many hours of sitting and walking with limited sleep and nearly zero meaningful communication. This has been highly counterproductive in my case.
The teachers were not interested in difficulties I had with trauma-based issues that arose in me. In fact, I received mostly impatience or even disdain for not having "let go" of such "unwholesome states." There was something grim about this mode of practice. The insights I did have were very difficult to integrate into my daily life because of the gap between being "chained to the cushion" and "cast out into the world." Your approach is clearly healthier and more sane. That's an understatement!
The creative flexibility (and humility, which I translate as confidence) to adapt to what the participants need is, in fact, a stroke of genius. It's wonderful to see skilled teachers reworking ancient practices from a different culture to make them relevant and optimal for people in the modern world. Very cool!
I've heard a couple of teachers say this now: "Don't forget to have fun!" You seem to have hit the nail on the head to everyone's benefit. Very cool!
This was excellent Misha, so much for me to connect with in what you write. Love how you were able to let go of planned ideas and focus on what was coming up for those on the retreat.
In my own journey I've found that silence can bring focus which can be useful at certain stages of practice and can help insight.
We call silence on a retreat 'noble' silence. I had the realisation 4 years ago at Wat Tam Wua in Thailand when I was in silence and monks were still speaking the odd word to me, just enough for communication, that Noble means 'worthy' or 'self-sacrificing'. Silence doesn't have to be total, rather enough to bring inner focus and a dissolving of self from letting go of egoic interaction via extended conversation. Choice words and bare essential communication that is 'worthy' in the moment are perhaps to be encouraged. Such practice can bring presence to the moment communication, whether to speak or not and if speaking noticing how few words are needed.