Letting Go of the Potty-Mouth Inner Critic đ¤Ź
A Few Ideas on that Incessant Negative Chatter Inside your Head
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The inner critic is the judgmental voice that we all have in our heads, letting us know that we are "good" or "bad."
It makes a moral judgment telling us we are not good, not worthy⌠which makes us feel incomplete and like we are never enough.
It's also been called the âItty Bitty Sh*tty Committeeâ because itâs got quite the potty mouth.
âYou f*cking idiotâŚhow could you make the same mistake again?âŚâ
You know what Iâm talking about. Itâs not very pleasant to listen to at all. And it often makes us feel incomplete, anxious and like we're not enough.
But where does it come from? And how do we quiet down the ruthless critic inside of us? Here are a few ideas: đ
1/ Studies show that the inner critic is fully developed by the age of 8. If you listen closely, the voice is quite childish and thinks in black/white (âyou are bad!â). Next time you hear the inner critic, pause and realize you are dealing with a child.
2/ The voice comes from a conditioned response to expectations from parents, peers, and society, i.e,. Parents strict on grades results in a critical voice later in adulthood that says âthis isnât good enoughâ at work, or insecurity about pulling your weight in a relationship.
As a child we need the support, love and approval of our caregivers, and not having that is akin to abandonment. So, when Hilary Clintonâs mom would tell her to ânot cryâ and âtoughen up,â she internalized this and it became her inner critic later in life. In turn, she was outwardly successful later on and you can see how her personality was shaped, but I certainly wouldnât want to live inside her head.
3/ This voice is amplified by our negativity bias; useful when youâre in a jungle surrounded by poisonous snakes and giant-ass spiders, but toxic when you are constantly seeing the faults in ourselves/others.
Of course, we all have a negativity bias, and we can appreciate that after millions of years of evolution, it helped us get to where we are. We canât let it totally go, but we could certainly benefit from turning down the volume a bit.
4/ The first step to quiet down the inner critic is to realize that itâs not personal â itâs just a thought pattern! We think over 60,000 thoughts a day â how many of those did you âdecideâ to think? Realize that you have NO IDEA what thought you will think next. Itâs totally based on past conditions outside of your control. The thoughts are just coming into your head.
Studies show that 90% of our thoughts are repetitive and 50% of those thoughts are negative. One meditation teacher once said that we could do without 90% of our thoughts and still have very productive and happy lives. I definitely agree.
You might have heard the phrase âyou are not your thoughts,â and yet while we like the ring of this, the truth is most of us take our thoughts too seriously. The reason we do that is because we still confuse âmeâ and âthoughts.â
Another way to think about this is the Mind as one of your senses. Noses smell, mouths taste, ears hear, and minds think. Do you take smells personally, saying âthose are my smells/sounds/sightsâ? I donât think so. They are just smells and sounds. Equally, your mind produces thoughts. You can choose which ones to listen to.
6/ In fact, how much of your life do you actually âchooseâ? Did you choose your genetics, parents, birth place, personality? A lot of life simply happened to you and you are acting out those past conditions. As one person put it, âYou are not your fault.â Although, of course, you are your responsibility!
7/ Acknowledge that, at some point in time, the critic was useful as a coping mechanism. You developed the voice to gain the approval of your caregivers, peers and teachers. But now you can see it for what it is: a child who just needs some self-love.
8/ To get space from the critic, use a mindfulness technique called labeling. When the critic comes up, rather than engaging with it, simply label the thought-pattern as âjudgingâ or "comparing" or whatever. Repeat this over and over. Hundreds, thousands of times. Youâll find that it starts to reduce its intensity when you donât pay attention to it by fueling it with more reactivity.
The reason this works is because you are shining the âlight of awarenessâ on your experience. Most people donât distinguish their thoughts or feelings with much clarity, itâs all just a jumble and they react to stuff.
Once you start seeing your individual thoughts, using a technique like labeling, then you can start to appreciate that itâs just a thoughtâŚand your mind can get a bit of relief. Itâs important to not push the thought away by saying âyou are stupid or I donât like this thought,â as that just gives it power and fuel. Rather, invite it in for a cup of tea.
9/ Give the voice a funny name. âThere he goes againâŚPessimistic Paul,â or âCaptain Complainypantsâ or âCritiquezilla.â You can say âHey, Negative Nancy, thanks for your opinion,â said with acceptance, not defensiveness. When approached this way, the voice will lose power.
Humor tends to deflect the critic. Just imagine you are talking to a pouty kid, which the critic basically is, since it was developed by age 8. You wouldnât yell an 8-year old kid and tell them to f*ck off if they annoyed you, but you might laugh a bit and play along with them without taking them too seriously.
10/ And lastly, look at the bigger picture. Is it really hopeless? Is your boss really going to hate you? Are you really a âlazy, good for nothing bumâ because you are late on paying a bill, or have you just been prioritizing other things like career, hobbies, sports? The inner critic is always narrow-minded and never sees the whole story. Turn your attention to positive things in your life, and see that the critic is just a point of view, not the absolute truth.
Insightful as always!