Living Between the Extremes of Body-Rejection and Body-Obsession
How to Stop Running Away From Yourself
Most of us have a complicated relationship with our bodies. Typically, this shows up in either one of two ways.
We take our body for granted, rejecting the body, neglecting and ignoring it and/or
We cling to the body out of fear and over-identification with the body
I’ve experienced both ends of the spectrum.
I ignored my body when it gave me important signs, like fatigue, shortness of breath, and headaches, in favor of “pushing through” to work on my startup.
This led to debilitating burnout, shutting down my startup and years of recovery to re-regulate my nervous system.
I also became too attached and over-identified to my body. I was obsessed with multiple-day water fasts, getting the right macros, and a fear of how certain foods were making me age faster.
None of this is unique to me.
Pretty much everyone I know is somewhere on one end, or both ends, of this rejection and over-identification spectrum.
You see it everywhere you turn. The gym rats, workaholics, health nuts, trail runners, and anyone with a “hustle” mindset.
In fact, it encompasses way more than just those narrow categories.
Any time you are uncomfortable with something – a conversation with a partner, a stressful day at work, frustration during the commute, and you try to run away from it, then you are rejecting your body.
When I say “run away” from it, that could look like any of the following:
Shoving chocolate cake in your mouth
Reaching for a beer, vape, or your drug of choice
Netflix or scrolling through your phone
Getting angry and walking away
Ignoring it/ suppressing your frustration and finding some distraction
Been there, done that. We all do it. But how is it a rejection of our body?
The reason is simple. It’s because we experience our emotions in our body.
A study out of Finland showed that regardless of who you are/where you were born, we tend to experience emotions in similar parts of our body (throat, chest, stomach, shoulders, etc.)
When you are running away from your emotions, you are running away from a feeling in your body.
This is an important point. We cannot Let Go of our “negative” emotions if we first don’t notice what’s going on in our bodies.
It’s only by paying attention (in a non-judgmental way) to the body that you can start to change your relationship to it, not by ignoring it, or getting too obsessed with it.
In fact, your relationship to your body plays a huge part in your view of the world. The external is a reflection of the internal.
Rejecting others
When we reject, or are obsessed with our own bodies, then we start to see others with the same tinted lens.
If I see myself as a “healthy” person, and I am over-attached to that image, then I am going to judge you if you’re not meeting my standards. Especially if I see that you are drinking a Coca-Cola in front of me.
(Of course, being a complicated human I am often a hypocrite, so I will probably down a few sodas on the weekend, but shrug it off as part of my “cheat day”)
This is why the girl with the big tits is dating the guy with the 6-pack, and it’s equally why the girl that’s a marathon runner is going to reject the skinny, pale nerd.
If I am an entrepreneur that ignores my emotions completely (using coffee as a fuel for this suppression), and I see that you are working a cushy, “easy” desk-job, then I am going to judge you. Subtly through my tone, or not-so-subtly by ignoring you.
What we reject in others, we have not accepted in ourselves.
The middle path
It’s taken me a while to come to a place that is closer to the Middle of these extremes, although I am still working on it.
The center point of these extremes looks like this:
You care about your body but you are not obsessed with it.
You pay attention to the signals your body is sending you instead of overriding them with your intellect.
You sit with uncomfortable feelings (in your body) instead of immediately trying to distract yourself.
When we bring a little more awareness to our bodies, without immediately rejecting or getting attached/clingy, then a really cool thing happens. You start to feel at home in your own body.
And then your relationship to your body, and in turn your world, changes completely.
You can work hard and know when to stop, without overexerting yourself or getting exhausted. (listening to your body!)
You can interrupt your colleague in the Zoom meeting so you can go fill up your water or go to the bathroom. (paying attention to your body!)
You can let anger, fear, and sadness pass through you like a wave. (feeling your body and not running away!)
You care less about how other people look and their particular life choices. (accepting yourself as whole)
It takes a lot of paying attention, a lot of practice, and a lot of letting go of stories about yourself. But it’s totally worth it.
Some meditation practices hit on this point, others miss it. The point is not to transcend your body, but to include it, and to be totally at home where you are.
The simplest way is to start by asking the question a few times a day: “What is my body telling me right now?” And instead of running off to the next thing, just stay with it.
Thanks for reading :) Feel free to leave a comment below!
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