Loving without an agenda
Letting go of your plans to change others
“Love is the absence of judgment” — The Dalai Lama
When we go into our relationships with big agendas and expectations, this can create a lot of conflict and suffering. I remember when a good friend of mine, Daniel, had broken up with his girlfriend. Even though it was none of my business, I was upset because I didn’t feel like Daniel had spoken to me about this big decision in his life before making it. I had sent him a book about relationships earlier, which he’d never read. Part of me was frustrated, and part of me wanted to support him. My strategy wasn’t to listen to him, but instead I went to him with a list of things I thought he was doing that were wrong. This came off as very judgmental. He felt attacked and judged, and it did not go well.
This left a big rift in our friendship. Despite attempts on my end to reach out to him, we have not reconnected. In looking back at this experience, it is clear that I came in with a big, fat agenda to change him. I did not accept my friend for who he was, or where he was in his life, and I believed that he “should” be a certain way. I could have spoken from my feelings and needs in a healthier way. I could have listened. But I really came with a one-sided agenda, dumping all of my frustrations on his lap.
Think about those times where you’ve snapped back defensively and caused harm, or when you unload your frustrations on others expecting them to fix the problem. How does that usually go? Depending on communication skills and emotional states, this can create big waves in your relationships. This experience with my friend and many others taught me that clinging to agendas—whether it’s being right, fixing someone, or getting validation—only creates resistance. Agendas focus on what’s lacking, not what’s present or needed in the moment.
As Rumi said:
“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.”
Stepping into this “field” requires releasing tightly held narratives of who we think we or others should be. This field is a space without judgment, where love has no agenda, and where we embrace the process rather than striving for a destination.
In fact, this field—where we simply listen—is deeply tied to a core psychological need of all humans: the need for mirroring. Mirroring is the innate desire to feel seen and heard, exactly as we are, without judgment or interruption. It’s the experience of having someone reflect our feelings and presence back to us, validating our reality and creating a sense of connection.
Think of a child excitedly holding up a painting they’ve just made, their eyes full of anticipation. When you respond with a smile and say, “Wow, that’s beautiful!” you can see them light up (rather than trying to correct their painting). Or consider when a friend listens as you vent about a tough day at work, nodding and empathizing with your struggles instead of jumping into "fix-it" mode. In these moments, we feel mirrored—understood and acknowledged—and this can ease the weight of our emotions.
“Love possesses not nor will it be possessed, for love is sufficient unto love.”
— Kahlil Gibran
This doesn’t mean being passive or ignoring what matters. We need to articulate our needs and set boundaries when necessary. Much dissatisfaction in relationships comes from unexpressed emotions and not speaking the truth. When we express them in a healthy way, we can start to create deeper connections with each other. Of course, some conflict and disagreement is inevitable.
What is required to live life without an agenda is holding space for what’s alive in the moment and responding skillfully. Love flows when it’s free of control and expectation. It doesn’t seek to arrive; it simply moves with life. You can share your need, and let go of the outcome. When we stop grasping for what we think a relationship should be, we discover we are already where we need to be – fully present, alive and connected.
The Paradox of Change
Now you might wonder: how does anything get done without an agenda? Here’s the wonderful paradox: trying to force change often keeps things stuck. Telling someone they’re wrong creates defensiveness; forcing a conversation tightens their grip. But when we accept things as they are—with openness and presence—they often transform naturally. Being heard, we allow our emotions to run their course, revealing more insights underneath. Problems solve themselves.
I go to my wife with a problem I am trying to solve. She nods her head, maybe asks a question or two. Simply by articulating it, and being received, I tend to find the solution. Or rather, the solution finds me. It finds me when I get out of the way. When I let my ego rest and drop the insecurities and neediness, I am present. This presence – being aware of body, mind and surroundings – allows for my defenses to soften, and for the world to open up.
"You don’t find the truth by seeking it. It finds you when you are ready."
— Adyashanti
In practice, this might look like a conversation where we listen deeply, without thinking about what we’re going to say next or how we can make the situation better. It might be sitting with a friend in their pain, without trying to “fix” their feelings. When we stop trying to impose our agendas, we can open to a more authentic connection — one that is based on presence rather than on the need for resolution.
This doesn’t mean you go into your next work meeting with zero plan and just sit there. There are times when we need to make decisions and are expected to bring a certain level of preparation. More often than not, though, what we are bringing into a conversation – work, friends, romantic or otherwise – is a certain level of clinging and expectation. These agendas are often hidden to us, unless we are intentionally bringing our attention to our hearts, minds and bodies in the moment. More of than not, it can be useful for us to let go of the agenda.
Reflection Exercise: “Not Fixing”
Think about a situation in your life where you’re trying to “fix” or resolve something — whether it’s a problem at work, a relationship issue, or some emotional challenge. What would it look like if you let go of the need for a fixed outcome and just listened more deeply? How could you simply turn toward the situation, without trying to impose a resolution or agenda? For example, could you mirror back to yourself the different emotions associated with this without blaming any one person or thing? What needs are not being expressed here? (i.e., This situation is happening. I am feeling X and Y, because I have a need for A and B. What I need most in this situation is…ABC).
Take a few moments to reflect on these, journal, and notice if you get any more clarity.
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