Welcome to the Monday Muse, a short round up of stuff that I found interesting in the last week. If you have comments or ideas you want to share, feel free to drop me a message. If you liked reading this, feel free to click the ❤️ button on this post so more people can discover it on Substack 🙏
1/ 10 Signs You Have a Boundary Issue
I only speak from experience, of course :)
During a meeting (in person or online), you don’t get up to go to the bathroom when you need to, or you don’t grab a drink when you’re thirsty
You tend to cancel your personal plans to catch up on work, especially at night or on the weekends
When you do cancel plans, you feel guilty about doing so and tend to give lots of excuses (I have to walk my dog and paint my house and do my taxes…sorry can’t make it…) instead of just saying “I can’t”
You feel anger or resentment after meetings, conversations or activities that you really didn’t want to attend
You often find yourself drained after having a conversation that you were in for a little bit (or way) too long
You avoid discussing personal matters or your emotions with colleagues or friends; this lack of emotional openness in turn leads to feeling inauthentic and not asking for things that you need (like time off)
You regularly take on work and tasks that are outside of your job description
People describe you as a “nice” person, which probably means you have difficulty asserting yourself
You feel anxious or uneasy when you have time off, probably because you haven’t learned how to set boundaries with yourself
You feel guilty when you take a break and others are working
Do any of these sound familiar to you? Hit reply and let me know in the comments below.👇
2/ Counterintuitive insights into oxytocin, dopamine and testosterone
A few nuggets about biology from Robert Sapolsky’s book Behave that might surprise you: 🙀
❤️😡 1/ Oxytocin is great, right? It’s known as the “love” chemical and is released in high doses in new parents and infants to strengthen their bond. Give a dog oxytocin and it looks into its owners eyes longer.
Wrong. Oxytocin increases feelings of love and connection…ONLY with those that are part of your in group. For everyone else, it does the opposite. Higher oxytocin levels have been shown to create animosity towards anyone outside your tribe who you don’t consider “one of us.”
😊🤗 2/ Dopamine is all about pleasure right? Take your phone out and you get a dopamine-hit with each notification. Too little dopamine decreases your mood and makes you unmotivated. Increasing dopamine makes you feel good.
Wrong. Dopamine isn’t about pleasure, it’s about the anticipation of pleasure. This is why it feels good to fantasize about our next vacation, promotion, or partner…and is often anti-climactic once we actually get what we want and reach the reward. The journey is more pleasurable than the end goal.
😠🤝 3/ Testosterone has all sorts of roles, including its tendency to increase aggression, right? Men who have higher testosterone exhibit more risk-taking behavior, promiscuity, and assertiveness.
Wrong. Individual differences in testosterone levels don't predict who will be aggressive. Rather, rising testosterone levels foster aggression only during challenges to status; and only if the cultural context EXPECTS them to act that way.
Testosterone can encourage pro-social as well as anti-social behavior, and can be gamed for the greater good, i.e., a group of millionaires who are trying to “outdo” each other with the highest donation to charity will show an increase in testosterone!
3/ Why it’s okay to yawn in meetings
Yawning has a bad rap. In a classroom or meeting, the person who yawns loudly indicates they are tired, or worse, bored. For this reason, it’ seen as rude and people cover up their yawns or try to suppress.
But why do we yawn? There are many theories, but a simple explanation is that it’s our brain trying to get more oxygen. Sure, one way to see it is that you are getting tired of the conversation.
But here’s another way to look at it: When you are processing a lot of information — especially interesting information you want to listen to — your brain needs more oxygen! The yawn isn’t rude — it’s there to help you better process what’s going on.
So when you’re yawning next time, do it fully. Stretch your arms up over your head and take it all in. If the person you’re with things you’re bored, just let them know you’re gathering more oxygen so that you can pay attention to them. 😊
4/ Most coaches suck & how to find a good one
What makes a good coach (life coach, business coach, career coach)? Having a coaching certification does not mean you’re a good coach, just like having a driver’s license doesn’t mean you’re a good driver. The truth is that there are a lot of bad coaches out there. If you’re embarking on a deep inner journey, it’s pretty important who you choose to go along with you for the ride.
Here a 5 signs a coach is worth talking to:
Can they speak at length about their own issues, challenges and setbacks they’ve worked through?
Do they admit they’re imperfect and ask for your feedback? Or are they pretending to have all the answers and solutions?
Do you feel safe around them, or is there some unease? There are times you will feel uncomfortable during your growth, but can they make you feel at ease as you work through the discomfort?
Are they rushing you, or do they listen intently (instead of pushing their agenda), and are they fully present in the conversation?
Are they a one-trick pony that relies on a single technique, or are they flexible to meet you where you’re at with a range of tools?
5/ Quotes I’m pondering
“Everyone sees other people differently because everyone is projecting aspects of him or her self.”― Debbie Ford
Other stuff: My free 14-day email course on burnout
I recently launched my 14-day email course that includes a ton of exercises you can use to prevent burnout. If you don’t feel like reading my 250 page book, then you might enjoy the same ideas in this more concise version :)