The dark side of meditation
Why no one is talking about the 57 negative side effects of meditation
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The lady who lost her self
I heard a story about a mom who downloaded Headspace, a popular meditation app, and started to meditate daily for 15 minutes a day. Her stress went down and she was finding it useful amidst a full-time job and taking care of the family. But after a few weeks, as she sat in meditation she felt parts of her body disappear.
At times it would feel like floating. Other times her sense of self would completely merge with everything around her, and she would completely lose a sense of a “doer” doing something. Things were just happening and she felt like she had no control over them. It’s as if there was no driver in the driver’s seat. Far from being peaceful, it scared the shit out of her.
She contacted Headspace customer support to ask what was going. They responded promptly and let her know “Oh, that’s normal. That’s just called “No-Self” in meditation and it is a common part of progressing.” She responded by pointing out that nobody had mentioned this in any of the guided meditations, and it wasn’t in the FAQ. Maybe the dissolution of the body as a side effect might have been a good thing to mention. They responded with something along the lines of “Don’t worry, you’ll be okay.”
Finding this unhelpful she freaked out and stopped meditating. But even though she stopped, something inside of her had shifted. She began to feel less grounded in day to day life, found her motivation decreasing for even the smallest tasks, and even found it harder to focus on her children without spacing out. This impacted her work, too, and she started to lose interest in her career. However, none of her friends meditated and she was afraid to tell others about her experience in fear of thinking she was going crazy…
Yes, this happens in meditation
In Buddhism there are “three marks of existence” which are suffering, no-self and impermanence. As you sit in silence for prolonged periods of time (or, as we’ve seen, even as little as 15 minutes a day), you can directly witness these different flavors of reality and have some very interesting — and potentially frightening — experiences. These can bring you closer to the whole point of meditation, which is awakening and dissolution of your egoic self. Although having these cool/scary experiences isn’t really the point, they’re more like side-effects along the way and they do happen the deeper you go.
Through my own ten-year meditation journey, I have experienced blissful states like my consciousness was expanding beyond my body and into the entire room, then city, and then the entire universe. I have had electricity surging through my body, felt like the entire ground was falling beneath me, and been engulfed in psychedelic worlds beyond description. And yes, the perception of me as a permanent self has faded away, leaving only a set of processes unfolding all on their own.
“My consciousness expanded at an inconceivable speed and reached cosmic dimensions. I lost the connection with my everyday identity. There were no more boundaries or difference between me and the universe. I felt that my old personality was extinguished and that I ceased to exist. And I felt that by becoming nothing, I became everything.”
― Stanislav Grof
Big deal. Hindu, Buddhist, Christian and Sufi spiritual traditions have been talking about this for millennia and many people who go on longer meditation retreats will give you similar accounts. But meditation has become mainstream nowadays, and there aren’t too many warning labels on any of this. As a mom in rural Florida that was raised a Christian, the lady who lost her self had no idea this was even a thing. She thought she was just downloading a popular stress relief app from the Appstore and wanted some space from the daily hustle. Instead what she got was the start of what is likely a very tumultuous spiritual emergency.
What they’re not telling you
I have been running a meditation community called Tokyo Mindfulness for the last year. I am also getting a 2-year mindfulness teacher certification. So, you could say that I am pretty into this stuff. One of my goals it to be as open and honest about meditation as possible. Through the weekly community and attending several retreats myself, I have spoken to several people who have had less than pleasant experiences during meditation.
My friend Levan told me about how after his 5th meditation retreat he felt like there was an oblong alien stuck in the side of his head, and it did not disappear even after the retreat. He described it as like one of those beetles from the Mummy. It didn’t talk to him or anything, it was just stuck in his head and squirmed around occasionally. He got used to it, but hoped that through more meditation that it would go away.
My experience was kind of similar during one retreat where I lost control of my tongue, which then felt like it turned into a snake. This was a terrifying experience and when I went to the teacher, she looked at me as if this was normal and let me know that the snake would go away, if I just didn’t pay attention to it. After a couple of sleepless nights and nightmares, I took her advice and it went away.
A woman I met through my community went on a 10-day meditation retreat and had a complete nervous breakdown halfway through. Her mind went completely out of control and the thoughts in her head were spiraling at a million miles per minute. It felt like she was having a manic episode and she panicked. After stopping meditation and years of therapy she has still felt unstable, but after trying some other techniques like tai-chi and yoga she is starting to get grounded again. Nervous breakdowns during meditation retreats are not uncommon.
Especially when it comes to longer retreats in meditation, yoga and psychedelics, there is a risk of “opening up” too fast. Lacking the grounding, experience and maturity to handle a deep spiritual opening it can be very destabilizing to your mental and physical health (especially if you don’t know it could happen!). Jack Kornfield talks about this in his book A Path with Heart: A Guide Through the Perils and Promises of Spiritual Life.
Of course there are going to be natural ups and downs in the journey, as you learn to integrate a new way of operating. You might feel like you are doing a spiritual bypass, neglecting other parts of your life until you bring those into focus, too. But for some this can come too quickly, like Scott Britton’s intense kundalini awakening. The problem is, you don’t know how fast is fast, and that speed could be different for everyone.
And as we’ve seen, this does not require you to go off on a long retreat. In the mindfulness community I run, during shorter sessions (30-45 minutes) where I am guiding people to focus on their bodies and breaths, people have had wild experiences. I have seen people panic, get frightened, see ghosts, sink into voids, witness their past lives, perceive intense visual hallucinations, and a bunch of other shit that they totally weren’t expecting to happen. One person saw a giant penguin appear in front of her, although that wasn’t so scary as much as it was confusing.
Meditation helps you sleep, right? Think again
Dr. Britton was getting her PhD in psychology and working on a dissertation on the effects of meditation on sleep. It seemed like a straightforward study. Her hypothesis was that of course, meditation is good for your sleep. However, she found the exact opposite. People thought they slept better, but their brains were more active and meditation actually messed with their sleep cycles. She talks about it in her video here.
“Every way we looked at the data indicated that meditation increased cortical arousal [and did not help with sleep] — Dr. Britton
She sat on the research for several years because it “did not fit the narrative of meditation being good for you,” and she felt pressure to keep hush hush about it. That is until she spoke to some more experienced meditation teachers who said, “Of course meditation isn’t great for sleep. Everyone that comes on retreat knows that! I don’t know why all of you psychologists are trying to make mindfulness into this stress-relief thing!”
I can attest to this. On my meditation retreats, there would be times where I would only sleep 2-3 hours a night because I was hyper-aware, or because I found that instead of sleep, when I closed my eyes the only thing I could do was meditate. I still felt super awake and relaxed the next morning, so it was totally fine, but I definitely had not slept. So to say ‘meditation is good for your sleep’ isn’t quite right. Most days on the retreat were like that.
What was going on? Dr. Britton decided to dedicate her time and research to uncovering the truth behind all of these practices and what impact they were really having on people. After years of research, she started an organization called Cheetah House which studies the adverse effects of meditation and serves as a knowledge base and Hotline for people who are trying to understand their experience and need someone to talk to.
Basically, she found that there were a bunch of negative side effects that nobody is talking about. Here is a large list of neatly categorized symptoms you might experience related to meditation, ranging from emotional, cognitive, and physical symptoms, especially as you get deeper into meditation, and depending on your personal background, type of practice, etc.
According to one study, over half of people experience at least one negative side effect when they start meditating, even just a few minutes a day.
“Of the 96 participants, 58% reported at least one meditation-related adverse effect, which ranged from perpetual hypersensitivity to nightmares to traumatic re-experiencing. Meditation-related adverse effects with negative impacts on functioning occurred in 37% of the sample.”
I remember during one retreat I was dealing with PTSD symptoms at the time. I didn’t have the knowledge I do now, and in retrospect I probably should not have gone on that retreat as it slowed down my recovery. Meditation (including eye-gazing) can actually make your trauma worse. Specifically, being still and in silence can put your body in a frozen/locked up state called dorsal vagal activation (aka, immobilization), and this feel as if you are reliving your trauma. Usually if you have trauma you need to retrain your nervous system to discharge that built-up energy naturally, which requires movement, whereas in silent meditation you’re trying to be still as a statue (read Peter Levine’s book Waking the Tiger if you are interested to dive deeper into this). None of this stuff comes with a warning label.
How meditation promoters attempt to deny the negative side effects
Meditation is a multi-billion dollar industry with apps like Calm and Headspace dominating the scene. Mindfulness is in prisons, in schools, in universities, and it’s such a household name now that it seems strange to even question it. The industry is growing, and there are tons of apps that are popping up touting stress relief, better sleep, self-love and compassion. More often than not, mindfulness is seen as a catch-all for mental wellbeing and “everyone should do it, it’s great!” Obviously there is an incentive to do so.
But what I noticed is that the mindfulness community seems to brush over a lot of the potentially adverse effects and simultaneously insist that their method is better. Take a look at the popular Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) program and you’ll see a little bit on trauma-informed mindfulness but not much talk about anything else. Sam Harris who runs the Waking Up app (great app!) leans strongly towards non-dual practices and indirectly dismisses a lot of others. Even the 2-year training I am part of led by Jack Kornfield and Tara Brach don’t consider certain types of retreat experience or meditations “real meditation” which disqualify you from the program.
Dr. Britton explains how that mindfulness doesn’t have one “guru” or representative, but a lot of teachers and even scientists fall into cult-like dynamics, using verbal gymnastics to make meditation into this unassailable practice with nothing negative to it. Instead, they say it is part of “healing.” This has truth to it, and you can be worse before you get better, as I have found myself reacting more emotionally at times before accepting my situation and integrating my experience.
However, Britton’s studies indicate that many people don’t show any improvement in symptoms or so-called healing…they are just stuck with these side effects. If Prozac has a list of 57 side effects (it has at least that many), we don’t call it “part of your healing,” but recognize them as side effects.
Cultish dynamics
I attended several 10-day retreats in different countries under the Vipassana tradition taught be S.N. Goenka. This is one of the most popular retreat organizations out there because it is 100% free and non-profit, so it’s very accessible and has been heavily promoted by podcasters and through word of mouth. I had very powerful experiences, deepened my practice, and made big life decisions that I believe improved my wellbeing. And still recommend it to certain people.
But there are definitely some cultish dynamics to the whole thing. Cult leaders are usually inflexible and don’t let you do other practices. In the Vipassana retreats, you are not allowed to even do yoga, or else they will call you out on it. One person even got kicked out for purposefully smiling during the meditation because “it’s not part of the practice.” They strongly encourage you to sit on the floor cross-legged, and don’t have enough chairs for everyone in the retreat center. This totally disregards the physical differences between people and almost shames people into being comfortable, Meditation shouldn’t be about wrecking your spine and hips.
My friend who went to a retreat with the popular YouTuber meditation guru Sadghuru told me that he wouldn’t let people stand up to go the bathroom during their 3-hour meditation and was very strict on this rule. The lady next to her peed her pants. That’s some cultish shit right there. Other retreat friends report that when confronting a teacher about the practice, teachers can get angry that they are “questioning” the practice and tell them to either let go or leave the retreat.
The most recent retreat I went to in Dhamma Sukha (my main meditation practice now) was a lot different and did not (mostly) have these cultish dynamics, so it’s not to say that everyone does this. Even in this case, where we practiced loving kindness technique, when talking to a senior teacher there was a clear message that this technique didn’t really have adverse effects. Yes it’s more gentle and softer than some practices. But on my first day on the retreat I had intense surges of what felt like lightning pulsing through my body, followed by waves of dread and a realization (and acceptance) that I was going to one day die. I almost left the retreat, and perhaps many people would have, but I had the tools to ride out the wave. Other participants I spoke to spoke about “going through hell” and feeling overwhelmed. To say there aren’t adverse affects is a stretch.
What’s missing?
In all of these cases I think what is missing is an obvious warning label that this can happen. Proper education by companies and retreat centers is paramount of creating a healthy, safe environment. They should be honest about the benefits as well as the risks, which I think would create a more trusting relationship and realistic image of all of this.
There should be an acknowledgment that everyone is different and will have varying experiences. The flexibility around going at your own pace, incorporating other practices that might be important for your wellbeing and nervous system might go a long way to soften those adverse. I believe it’s important to have an “integrated” approach (talked about frequently by Daniel Ingram in his book MCTB) that recognizes that you need a host of tools to be a happy, fulfilled person functioning in society that meditation alone cannot provide.
There is personal responsibility, too, as everything in our lives can actually have a “cultish dynamic,” from being convinced that Cross-Fit is better than running or that your company is so much better than other companies and blindly following a brand or celebrity or teacher. When we take a step back to think for ourselves we can still participate in different groups without being blindsided.
Why you should still meditate
I have dedicated a lot of my life recently to meditation and making it more accessible to people here in Japan. And I plan to continue to do so. I’m totally convinced that it has made me a happier person, less ego-driven, and more relaxed. I have unearthed a lot of insights about everything from the way my mind works to the habit-patterns and negative emotions that have made me miserable in the past. I even ran a meditation retreat last weekend a few hours from Tokyo and it seemed like everyone got a lot out of it.
However, I would be lying if I said that there weren’t side effects — from weird physical symptoms to emotional upheaval — that have come with the territory of deepening my practice. I wish I had known about some of this before getting into my journey but have been fortunate enough to have friends and a support group (and being relatively mentally stable, I think) that have made this all smoother. If you are feeling weird after meditation then don’t worry, you did not break your brain. Neuroplasticity means you can bounce back.
So, I hope I haven’t scared you off. Rather than scaring you off from meditation, I hope this gives you the tools and a bit of an honest heads-up before you start on the meditative journey. There is hardly anything that doesn’t come without a risk. Exercise is great for you, but not if you are running a marathon without any training. And you need to be aware of how to use the gym equipment and the dangers of not setting the weights properly otherwise you’ll break a toe or worse.
I’d love to hear about your challenging experiences with meditation — share your comment below!
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