1/ The cultural conditioning that keeps us trapped
There are a spectrum of male friends that I have. Some tend to brush over their feelings, while others are more in touch with their inner world.Â
They can openly and courageously share something like: âI feel like Iâve been really struggling lately. I think thereâs fear that I will failâŠâ  They are not afraid to cry.Â
Men, especially, are never taught that expressing emotions is okay.Â
Cultural conditioning that says âbrush it offâ and âdonât cry!â does not encourage the expression of true emotions.Â
From an early age this leads to a nervous system that makes it harder to tune into the inner world without getting physiologically overwhelmed.Â
If, for example, you expressed sadness in front of your parents and teachers and were shut down, or scolded, or ignored, your body-brain remembers this.
Repeat this over years and years and what do you get? When experiencing a difficult emotion as an adult, your habitual response becomes to shut down or distract yourself, rather than express the emotion.Â
So, there is some deconditioning to do!Â
2/ The typical excusesÂ
In leading meditations the last two years, I often hear a reason for not meditating like âmy mind is too busy.âÂ
But Iâve never met anyone that doesnât have a busy mind! Thatâs being human. Meditation is a skill you learn, just like driving a car, reading a book, andâŠexpressing your emotions.Â
We all start from a different place, with our genetics, upbringing, cultural conditioning and personality quirks. These might make it easier or harder for some. Thatâs just something you work with.Â
The idea that expressing emotions is not âmanlyâ or somehow makes you weaker is a belief you have. Plenty of women donât have this skill, either, and suffer from high rates of anxiety, burnout and depression.Â
Expression comes in many forms, which I wrote about in a recent post. It can be verbal or physical, or you can work through it through tools like meditation.Â
In particular, tuning into the body using a tool like a body scan and meditation like RAIN is extremely effective.
In fact, not expressing yourself can have some pretty negative side effects.
3/ The negative side effects to negating emotionsÂ
What does it feel like when you donât express your emotions? For me, there is a feeling of tightness, constriction, and like Iâm holding back. It doesnât feel free.
The first point is that pushing down the negative means you experience less of the positive, too. There are several studies that show emotional suppression leads to more stress and increase in all-cause mortality. This is linked to higher blood pressure, autoimmune disorders and ulcers. Some studies even link it to cancer.Â
Second, we often make seemingly âlogicalâ decisions that we have all sorts of factual evidence for. In reality, none of our decisions are fully rational â there is always a subjective element.Â
When you push down your emotions, you miss the genuine motivation for your decision. The outcome is usually far from ideal, as we blindly follow emotions and rationalize our decisions.
But when you identify the feeling behind the decision and can speak about it honestly, the feeling has a chance to transform/change, as all feelings do. This usually leads to a better outcome.Â
And lastly, you can be the luckiest person in the world but be miserable in your relationship. A failure to set boundaries, express your true feelings, fears and concerns, can lead to feeling stuck, unhappy, resentful.Â
All relationships are based on trust and good communication. Without expressing your true feelings â without even being in touch with them â how can you really build that foundation?Â
4/ Letâs reframe âvulnerabilityâ to âcourageâ
You can try and convince people that vulnerability is strength, which it is, but the word itself is a bit of a blocker. The word vulnerability implies that you are open to attack and feels like weakness to many.Â
I think the word âcourageâ works a lot better. To be emotionally courageous is an act of a fierce warrior. Like going into battle, you are leaving yourself open to getting hurt in some way, but youâre also showing strength.Â
To be emotionally courageous is to have openness, receptivity and willingness to express emotions, no matter how uncomfortable.
The opposite of that means youâre being, in some way, dishonest with yourself and others. âI feel fineâ or âitâs not a big dealâ brush over the truth. You are inevitably holding back.Â
I believe this courage is one of the greatest superpowers you can develop, as it leads the path to authentic connection. My connection with my wife and close friends has deepened through this sort of openness.Â
Of course not everyone is willing to be open all the time and thatâs okay. But itâs key to find those who are open to listen and can hold a safe space. Doing this is the start of de-conditioning yourself to avoiding emotions and actually experiencing the full richness of life.Â
5/ Calling you in!
Insanity is repeating the same thing again and again and expecting different results.Â
Iâm calling you into the circle today.Â
Whatâs the smallest step you can take?Â
To journal about your feelings? To reach out for a conversation with a friend? To admit that you need a hand, and that maybe you donât know?Â
Whatever it is, itâs an incredible act of courage.Â
In fact, it takes all the balls you have.Â