The Sentence That Changed My Life
How failing to notice our self-rejection causes most of our suffering and a simple reframe that can open your heart
But First, Who Am I?
I’m confident, but I can be a total wimp.
I’m kind, but I can be a complete asshole.
I teach mindfulness, but I forget shit all the time.
I’m a healthy person, but I just scarfed down 5 chocolate eclairs.
I pay for my friend's lunch, but I ignore the homeless person begging outside.
I’m well educated, but please don’t ask me any basic math questions.
I believe in being a useful member of society, but sometimes I’m useless and lazy.
I scoff at people who text and walk, and then fall down the stairs texting and walking.
I like to be spontaneous, yet I crave structure and routine and live in Japan, a country full of rules.
I like goals, but I also don’t care about the outcome.
I’m loyal to my wife, but I can’t help but notice the attractive chick walking by.
I think some men are more good-looking than others (don’t you?), but I’m straight.
I prefer parmesan, except when I eat mozzarella.
I want to understand the logic behind the world, yet I live life through my feelings.
I tell the truth, except when I tell a lie.
I preach non-violence, but in the right circumstances I could kill.
…Who am I really?
…I am all these things, and more.
The Sentence that Changed my Life
We are walking contradictions. Every single one of us. The internal conflict we have with ourselves and our external judgment of the world comes down to recognizing this.
The sentence that changed me was this:
“What you reject in others, you haven’t accepted in yourself.”
For example, when I was standing in line at the convenience store there was a pale, emaciated guy in a hoodie in front of me. It was 10pm. He was buying a pack of cigarettes, ice coffee and fried chicken. I felt the judgment arise. Gross.
The more I learn about health and try different diets, exercise and fasting, the more I solidify my identity as a “healthy person.” This identity doesn’t leave room for things an “unhealthy person” would do. I reject the part of myself that is impulsive, eats like crap and makes unhealthy decisions in favor of a wiser, healthier self.
But what actually happens when I reject that part of myself? I become judgmental of others who conflict with my identity. When I suppress and push away that part of myself, it doesn’t simply go away. I project it onto others. I am more likely to believe that other people are unhealthy, or dumb, or lazy.
The truth is, when we struggle with our own issues but don’t accept that they are always part of us (or could be, given the right circumstances), we start to project them onto others.
If you struggle with jealousy yourself, you are more likely to see jealousy in your partner. Criticizing your colleagues' performance is a projection of your own insecurity. Calling the waiter dumb is a denial of your own stupid decisions and mistakes - we all have them.
When you’re dishonest about these parts of yourself, you become spiteful, judgmental, small, disconnected, afraid, corrosive, toxic, vindictive. Ironically you become the very things that you fear the most.
“Emotions that have not been properly avowed have a pernicious habit of wreaking havoc across our personalities.” — Alan de Botton, creator of the Book of Life
But when you are conscious of your whole self, you become more empathetic and authentic. Yes, that means accepting the good, the bad, and the ugly! This doesn’t mean you have to act out those parts. It just means you can more freely choose what you want to be in this world.
After I realized my judgment of the guy in the hoodie at the convenience store, I accepted that I too was unhealthy at times or could be in the right circumstances. I could be him. What arose was acceptance and compassion and I no longer saw him as a “them” or an “other.”
The Holographic Theory
You’re stupid. And selfish. And jealous. And hateful. And you are smart. And generous. And kind. And loving. And passionate. We are all of these at least sometimes, right? If you didn’t possess a certain quality yourself, you couldn’t recognize it another person.
How can a homeless person be so lazy? Well, you’re lazy, too. And perhaps if you lost your job, home, family and had chronic respiratory issues, you might not be as productive. The reason it’s hard to make eye contact with a homeless person isn’t because they are different, but because they are just like you. And you’re really good at ignoring yourself.
Humans share 99.9% identical DNA. Each of us is like a hologram of each other, with some external differences shaped by the environment. What you can feel, surely I can feel. Debbie Ford explains it like this:
“We are not alone, the world is within us. The holographic model of the universe teaches us that each of us is a microcosm of the macrocosm. Understand that you contain everything you see in others. When we make peace with ourselves we spontaneously make peace with the world.”
When you don’t accept this, you start to see the world as a place with problem upon problem. You see an “us” vs. “them.” Gandhi said that “the only devils in the world are those running around in our hearts.” You project your own vices onto others. It’s the senator who passes anti-gay legislature but actually has three Grindr accounts and is still in denial. At its worst this can turn into scapegoating, racism and war.
Anthropologist Melvin Konner tells the story about going to a zoo and seeing a sign that read “Most Dangerous Animal on Earth,” only to find that he was looking in a mirror. We all have dark and light nature within us; good and evil are two sides of the same coin. You are more likely to be evil when you deny that this evil exists within you too.
Conversely, when you accept that you can be something, then you won’t feel the need to reject it in others. You are less likely to hate anyone or anything. Life becomes a lot more peaceful. You accept and appreciate people’s differences without trying to be right all the time and without over the top reactions.
The thing is, shutting ourselves and others out is mostly an unconscious process. The patterns have been ingrained from years of suppression by family, society, friends and coworkers. This is good, this is bad. You internalized these words and locked the doors.
So how do you notice your shadow elements?
Noticing What You Fail To Notice
“The range of what we think and do
Is limited by what we fail to notice
And because we fail to notice
That we fail to notice
There is little we can do
To change
Until we notice
How failing to notice
Shapes our thoughts and deeds”
-R.D. Laing
My ten-year meditation journey has brought me to some deep awakening experiences. I find it easier to let go of things and there is an underlying feeling of contentment as life flows through me. But I stay cautious. There are plenty of stories of otherwise very enlightened people who had repressed shadows and sketchy moral behavior.
Tibetan Buddhist Master Trungpa Rinpoche was clearly an alcoholic and was accused of assaulting his son and wife. Osho (Rajneesh) was a bioterrorist and spiked salad bars with salmonella, infecting over 700 people. Zen master Joshu Sasaki slept with his students and went to jail in Japan for using temple money on hookers.
If these masters couldn’t sort out their own stuff, it’s obvious that working on the Shadow is hard work. It requires a lot of conscious effort and meditation alone won’t cut it. To start to notice these partners is not easy, but it’s very doable if you open up to it. In the very thorough book Meeting the Shadow, the authors share a few ways to identify your shadow.
In our exaggerated feelings about others. “I can’t believe they would do that!” or “How could they say that/wear that/be like that!”
In negative feedback from others. “This is the third time you’ve been late…”
In interaction where we have the same troubling/negative effect on others. “John and I feel like you keep avoiding the truth…”
In our impulsive and inadvertent acts. “Oops, that just slipped out. Did that again…”
In our exaggerated anger/frustration about other people’s faults. “She just can’t seem to do things right” or “I wish he would pay more attention to his weight!”
Usually, it’s your friends, family and coworkers who are closest to you and can notice these shadow elements creeping up. But they are also the people you are least likely to listen to because we take things so personally, and because we are likely projecting our issues onto them.
Opening up to this requires courage, vulnerability and a determination to know thyself. It has taken me many years to come to terms with who I am, and the journey is far from over. As meditation teacher Michael Singer says, “The natural ups and downs of life can either generate personal growth or create personal fears. Which of these dominates is completely dependent upon how we view change.”
An exercise you can try: As you go about your day, spend time observing judgments you have for others. Record Who and What (trait) you are judging. Then reflect on where this comes from. If you are feeling stuck finding it in yourself, use these as prompts to bring out the shadow:
When have I been X in the past? Am I hiding anything in the dungeon?
How does this trait manifest in me now?
Why is it upsetting to me? How does it make me feel?
How am I judging the trait itself?
What limiting beliefs do I have around this trait?
When you’ve done this, you can get this list of words and repeat them out loud in front of a mirror saying “I am…selfish” or “I am lazy…” or whatever the trait is. Do this until there is no longer an emotional charge. If you meditate, then another way to do this is to bring that trait into your meditation with an intention to accept it and sit until you no longer feel any reactivity to it.
✍️ I’d love to hear from you..
Are there any patterns/strong reactions you notice in yourself?
What emotions or behaviors were frowned upon or unacceptable when you were growing up?
What is something you definitely would not want written about you in a newspaper?
I had always heard it as 'What you hate in others, you hate in yourself'... but 'What you reject in others, you haven’t accepted in yourself' rings truer and is a more useful way of looking at it.
I can see this is being one of the easiest ways to find contentment, and one of the most important things to journal about