What’s underneath the ego?
The allure of a normal life, why it's never actually satisfying and how to find a new state of being
The normal life
A person living a normal life doesn't question why they're doing the things they do. They look for happiness in all the usual places: money, entertainment, winning status, and ticking off personal bucket list items.
Sure, these things bring fleeting joy. Like the sweet taste of a crispy bacon and the adrenaline rush of sky-diving and looking at your bank account and binge-watching an entire series in one night. But there are always more things to buy and more experiences to have, so it’s never quite enough.
The normal life is often twinged with jealousy, fear, and anxiety about what other people have, or about what we don’t have. The ego, the part that feels separate from others, drives the show. It’s never enough.
“It follows that the more people we take to be our equals and compare ourselves to, the more people there will be to envy.”― Alain de Botton, Status Anxiety
But deep down, they know all of this running around and amassing experiences and titles is not truly satisfying. In the moments of silence, sitting in rush hour traffic, standing at the grocery store or the gaps in between meetings before they jump into the next action, there is an uneasiness and a sadness that they don’t dare touch.
So they keep chasing the next thing.
They grow up a little bit and the stories and expectations change. Their energy levels decrease and testosterone levels go down. They’re more well-rounded and realistic. They switch gears and turn to their family for meaning—trying to find purpose in raising their children, parental wisdom, and never-ending household chores. They do these things out of a sense of duty or because they believe they will bring joy. (And they certainly can for a bit, until they’re gone)
Later on they might start seeking validation from a bigger cause, like their local community. They become the neighborhood superhero. They organize barbecues and take on the duty of becoming the official dog walker for their neighbors. Maybe they become obsessed with Crossfit or ultramarathons. Perhaps they turn to going to the church, synagogue or mosque, although it’s more about outwardly sharing in the rituals than it is about connecting with something deeper.
They grow old, retire, and take up some more hobbies like chess and knitting to kill the time. They cross more off their bucket list. They have more freedom to explore and take that trip to Sicily. More often than not, they need to continue to fill the gap with more stuff, more things to do. Slowly, their friends and family start to disappear back into the earth. Perhaps they feel fulfilled, joyful and ready to accept their death, too. Or perhaps not.
There’s nothing wrong with any of this. The problem is that most people, having lived the life they thought they were “supposed” to live, have regrets on their deathbed.
The top 5 regrets of dying are:
"I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me."
"I wish I hadn't worked so hard."
"I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings."
"I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends."
"I wish that I had let myself be happier."
You can accept that perhaps “nobody is perfect” and regrets are a part of life. Or, you can choose to say, “No thanks. I want to die with zero regrets. Let’s fix this shit.” You can decide to do something about it now so that you don’t live with regrets. And that you can peace out like a chief with a smile on your face and move happily into becoming worm-food or the afterlife with a sense of dignity and peace.
A reality shock
Who are we really? Are we our identities, our thoughts, our emotions, something greater than that? If you’re so smart, why aren’t you happy? If you have so much money, why can’t you just be content? As we chase the same ol’ pots of gold under the rainbow, these bigger, deeper questions start to seep through the cracks.
Somewhere along the way, the “normal” person might suddenly or very gradually be in for a shock. This could come when they lose their job, someone dies, or for no apparent reason at all. It can come from the stark realization that no matter what they do, it never seems to be enough.
They are starting to wake up.
Many of us launch ourselves into what we think will make us happy. Instead, we often discover all the ways that make us unhappy. This could lead us to burning out, a mid-life crisis or a full-blow spiritual crisis. We wonder if we have been told a lie and continue to search desperately for the answer.
The normal person feels like they are going crazy, but in fact they are becoming more themselves than ever before. They are evolving.
They try to suppress it for a bit. But doubt, cynicism, and demotivation keep creeping up, and once the dam starts leaking there’s no stopping it. Fearing that they are losing their edge (or their minds), or out of some sense of guilt (‘I should be grateful for what I have!’), they do whatever they can to regain their sense of control and return to the previous state of affairs, to how things ‘should’ feel like.
They throw themselves into even more work and find new ways to stimulate themselves. And if that doesn’t work, there’s always sex, drugs and TikTok. But after a while, they find that these efforts are in vain. Their agitation, frustration and sadness grows. They become judgmental about themselves and lost, unsure of what to do next. Hopelessness ensues.
Without a strong social support network, the internal resources to deal with the situation, and the emotional stability to process the situation, this can lead to anxiety, depression, and burnout – or some awful combination of these (or suicide). And this can go on for quite some time. It can be hard to distinguish a mental illness from a transformation. Maybe they die before they get past this slump, or completely give up and become an empty shell of a human. Or maybe, they get over the hump.
The “normal” is driven by the ego
In the movie Groundhog Day, the main character Phil Connors played by Bill Murray, finds himself trapped in a time loop, reliving the same day over and over again. He tries to manipulate his circumstances – betting on race horses to get rich, binge eating and taking advantage of people. “I’m a god,” he says at one point. He is driven by ego. Yet the one thing he truly seeks, the love and connection of his colleague, he can’t artificially manipulate. It’s beyond his control.
This normal way of operating usually comes from a very limited sense of self. The ego expresses itself as “I am the center of the universe” and that “I want this” or “I need that.” The ego tends to feel that it is separate from others. It widens the gap between us vs. them. It is entitled and believes that it deserves praise or status. It jumps into the past, wishing things were different, and then jumps into the future, wanting to control outcomes. It doesn’t live in the present moment.
“The most common ego identifications have to do with possessions, the work you do, social status and recognition, knowledge and education, physical appearance, special abilities, relationships, person and family history, belief systems, and often nationalistic, racial, religious, and other collective identifications. None of these is you.” — Eckhart Tolle
Even if you are a minimalist, are you attached to the few things you have, like your Macbook air or moleskin notebook? That’s ego. Even if you go to church or practice a mantra, are you attached to “your way” of doing things and believe it’s the right way? That’s ego. Do you ever feel a feeling of superiority, or inferiority during a conversation? That’s ego.
When the ego over-identifies with these things, it becomes more contracted and inflates its own importance. And then it feels more and more separate from others, which is the cause of most conflict in the world. Operating from a place of ego can never bring satisfaction because it never feels like it has enough! It’s like a Chinese-finger trap.
So this is what I mean by a normal life: It’s not so much about the actions you’re taking or the job you’re doing — the most successful people can be the most ego-driven and unhappy, and those with nothing can be the happiest. It’s more about your state of consciousness. Whether you’re operating from ego, or something beyond that.
To summarize, the ego-driven life looks like this:
What’s underneath the ego?
A homeless person I spoke to at the park — who has been living there for 17 years — seems happier than most people I know. He enjoys a cup of coffee, newspaper and chat with friends every day, surrounded by beautiful trees and chirping birds. People who lose their homes in earthquakes and hurricanes sometimes report that they’ve never felt more free and happy in their lives. Why? Because their ego’s were so attached to stuff and things, and now they’ve been released of all that baggage. Their ego has little to hold on to. They can start fresh. This is why loss is a catalyst: it makes us realize our attachment to things, and the truth that nothing lasts forever.
A midlife crisis, burnout or whatever serious mental breakdown you have, can serve as the catalyst for a much greater transformation. As Jim Carrey once said, this transformation emerges from the midst of utter confusion, profound disappointment, and the “realization of all our aspirations.” Once we have all the shiny things we want and feel empty inside, we know it’s time to look in different places — and that place is inside.
Here’s what I mean about moving away from ego to a different state of consciousness: We have a lot of conditioned beliefs about ourselves and society. We hold past traumas and fears, never letting them go until we are on our deathbed and have no choice but to confront them (but then it’s too late!). Our minds are an incessant stream of doubts, worries and desires that never end. The ego drives the show. The process of transformation is to let go of these conditioned beliefs and discover a place that is unconditioned.
"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." - Rumi
There was an old clay statue that was discovered in China many years ago. One day someone noticed a glimmering light coming out of the crack in the statue. Upon further investigation, they found that the real statue was underneath the clay one and made of pure gold. The clay was put on later to ward off looters during wartime.
This is a great metaphor in two ways. First, we’re very much like these statues because we’ve built up a lot of armor over the years — our “conditioned” beliefs and negative emotions that served us at some point, but are not our true selves. The second way is that we don’t have to “acquire” anything new to be ourselves, our shining and pure nature is already there, if we just let go of all the armor.
Moving from ego to a different state of consciousness
In the process of transformation and self-discovery, usually following some crisis or loss of meaning, you start to peel back the layers. And ohh boy…This process of transformation ain’t easy! Just ask a caterpillar how it feels as it turns into a hardened shell unsure of what’s to come, and then in its darkest hour breaks free into the open sky…
Keep reading with a 7-day free trial
Subscribe to Misha Yurchenko's Newsletter to keep reading this post and get 7 days of free access to the full post archives.