Willing to walk away
I remember the day I split up with my girlfriend in college.
We were speeding down the highway in her ‘97 Mitsubishi Eclipse. It was her car but I always drove because it was a manual transmission and she hadn’t learned how to drive stick yet.
“I fucking hate you,” she screamed at me.
I can’t remember what we were arguing about. The last few months had been painful and we both knew that it had to end. Things were hanging on by a very thin thread. It was time to cut it.
I told her we were done. This was it. No more trying to fix things.
“If you break up with me I’m going to jump out of this car right now,” she yelled.
Well, damn, I wasn’t expecting that.
“Okay, whatever” I said. “Do it. I don’t care.” I was numb.
In a dramatic moment that I’ll never forget, she tried to open the car door. We were going 85 mph.
The wind resistance made it hard to open the door. But she would’ve done it.
She was still trying to jump out when I grabbed her wrist. “Are you fucking insane?” She cooled down after a bit. That was our last memory together.
It took me way too long to walk away from that relationship. I lacked a set of skills to do so: the ability to say NO, understanding my boundaries, and freely expressing my emotions.
When she was snooping around on my phone, I could have put my foot down. When she wanted to spend every waking second together, I could have declined. When she was controlling and jealous, I could have expressed why that wasn’t going to work for me.
But most of all, I wasn’t willing to walk away. Fear held me back. Quitting never seemed like an option.
Every ‘yes’ slowly built up a fierce resentment inside me, eating away at my soul.
If you’re agreeing to everything, you’re probably lying. Lying to the other person or lying to yourself. Say NO more often.
When you equate your sense of self-worth to a relationship, a job, or achieving a goal, you dig your own grave. I have to have this. I want this so bad. It has to happen.
Then you get pushed and shoved a little bit by the smiling salesman or the angry spouse and you fall right into the hole. Yes, yes. Okay I’ll do it. Woops, you did it again. You want it too bad.
The more you try to be liked, the harder it becomes. Fitting the image of a ‘likable person’ creates a barrier to authentic connection. The more you need a relationship at all costs, the more likely you are to overextend and become inauthentic and clingy.
The foundation of an authentic relationship is, paradoxically, being willing to walk away.
Your ability to walk away is a sacred agreement that you have with yourself. In turn, this gives you inner confidence to stand your ground and be fearless.
When push comes to shove, you gotta walk out that door. Not later. Not someday. Right now.