How to avoid resentment

I strolled around perusing the Balinese art gallery until a piece caught my eye. A small, traditional nature painting with a breathtaking panoramic view of the jungle.

“I’ll give you fifty bucks for it,” I told the store clerk.

He let out a big sigh as if I had just caused him some great injustice. “Oh no, no, my friend. This is worth much, much more than that. This is an original painting by one of our favorite artists in town. I can give it to you for two-hundred-and-fifty US dollars.”

Direct eye contact. Not a blink. Can you believe this dude?!

He had clearly done this before. He had no qualms about asking for five times my starting price. 

But so had I. I’d bargained in Indonesian souvenir shops, haggled in Vietnamese taxis, led sales negotiations at work, and agreed on terms for chore-duties at home.

I didn’t always win, of course. Contrary to what most people think, negotiation isn’t about winning.

Say what? That’s right. It’s not about me always getting what I want. It’s about what seems fair. 

Earlier that week when I was buying a scarf from another shop, the clerk started bargaining down his own price before I’d even said a single word! “I’ll give it to you for thirty. No, twenty… Will you take it for ten dollars…?” Out of desperation he made a terribly unfair deal for himself. I was willing and able to pay thirty dollars. He had a business to run and a family to feed. Why would I deprive him of that to save a few extra bucks? I would gain nothing except a little cash and a boat-load of guilt every time I wore the scarf. I gave him the thirty dollars. It felt right.

Back in the art gallery, the clerk and I continued our back and forth. Neither side was happy. Two stubborn dudes. We were at a stalemate. The painting was a gift and I wanted it, but it didn’t seem worth more than what I was offering. I took into consideration the size and quality of the painting. Not to mention, I was the only customer in that shop, and probably had been for days or weeks.

Buying that painting at that price seemed unfair, and would probably leave me with a bit of regret or resentment for being the stupid tourist. Luckily, I had become adept at the art of walking away in these situations, an important skill for relationships and life. So I did what any reasonable person would do. I thanked him for his time and I walked out of the store. 

How to avoid resentment

It doesn't matter if it’s at the art shop or in the workplace, you immediately know you’ve accepted a bad deal when you feel resentment. Like the time I agreed to a two-hour Zoom call. I hate doing long meetings, and was also pretty tired on that day. It was horrible. What the hell was I thinking? I immediately felt annoyed at myself – because it was my fault for acquiescing to the painfully long call. It was nobody else's fault except my own. 

Resentment is a flavor of repressed anger. Repressed anger makes you edgy, cranky and an asshole at best. At worst, it gives you cancer.

An uncomfortable amount of honesty seems to resolve these situations.

Whether that’s work: “Sorry, I really can’t do a meeting that long, I have a rule to do 45 minutes max, otherwise I turn into a psycho bitch.”

Or relationships: “It’s not fair that I have to do all the housework; you need to do your part.”

Or more trivial tensions: “I’d love to hang out, but I’m not interested in watching that movie/going to that restaurant/seeing that show; let’s do X instead.” 

When you say something that goes against a suggestion or accepted norm or just the truth of how you feel, it will take a few moments for the other person to process it. You need to get comfortable with the uncomfortable silence that usually follows. Don’t break eye contact. Just smile.

They may have a rebuttal. You stick to your guns. “No, that’s just how it is for me.” It’s okay to forgive and accept your emotions, but don’t apologize (accepting is the prerequisite to change, while apologizing can imply there’s something wrong with you when there’s not). This is how I feel. This is my rule. That’s just how I am.

I’ve found that the temporary discomfort, tension and even conflict that arises from these moments is absolutely worth it. The alternative is being a “Yes Man” and then seething in your anger later on, which is no fun.

Rather than pissing everyone off, this level of honesty and sensitivity to fairness tends to do the opposite: it sets a clear boundary, garners respect, and makes it easier for people to know where you stand. “They really wear their heart on their sleeve” vs. “I don’t understand why they are so passive-aggressive.” Which one would you rather be?

Your intuition and feelings are the most reliable source of personal truth. Don’t bury them.

Follow them.

Express them.

Let them be free.

***

“Mister, mister! Wait!” The clerk came running after me, dust trailing behind him. “I will give it to you for $75!” I laughed. 

There are times when it seems the deal has fallen through, but then it comes around. But you never know until you make your terms clear. When you do, you make your position visible. Often times people are willing to see eye-to-eye. They cool down, reflect, and with level heads return with something that’s fair. Finally, an offer I can consider!

“Alright, you’ve got a deal.”