Why meditate? Ergh, that's a tricky question...
The paradox of trying in meditation and why the best of intentions can be limiting
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1/ The prerequisite to meditation
There’s no real “prerequisite” to meditation. Anyone can meditate. But after having spoken to dozens of meditators in my weekly meditation group, I’ve come to notice a trend. Many others have noticed this before me. It seems that most people that are drawn to meditation are, in some small or large way, dissatisfied with something in their lives. There is a degree of frustration, sadness, anger, or fear. They are looking for some sense of peace amidst the turmoil.
This makes sense. Imagine if everything is going perfectly well in your life. You just went on a smoking hot date, your crypto portfolio is skyrocketing, you’re up for a promotion, and you’ve just won the Nobel prize. That’s one hell of a week! It’s unlikely that you slump back in your chair at the end of the week, frown, and say “Man, life sucks. I should close my eyes and notice my breathing for the next hour.” It’s more likely you’ll suck the marrow out of life, buy drinks for everyone at the bar and go hog-wild to some Black Eyed Peas song.
The stars align every once in a while. We should relish these moments. It’s fairly unlikely, or at least really difficult, to convince someone that meditation is even worthwhile when you’re on a high like this. Of course, these are just the ebbs and flows in life. And where there are peaks, there are valleys. Change is inevitable, and after the rush of a high — that last weeks, months or even years – comes the fall.
That fall may come after a point in the Hero’s Journey, where we spend years trying to achieve certain goals, and eventually realize that nothing we strive for or accomplish is enough to give us a long-lasting sense of wellbeing. Or, in the feminine version of the Hero’s Journey — think Rapunzel, locked in that tower trying to get down— you lose a feeling of connection and what’s important to you.1
And at that point, we might come to look for some greater understanding of our predicament.
2/ Why I started meditating
It’s hard to say where I heard about meditation, but I clearly remember my reason for giving it a shot: I was stressed at work (a sales job) and was looking for ways to get a grip on my situation. I was suffering in my own way.
I’d tried other tools. Exercise definitely had a massive impact, and I consistently ran several miles per week. Running was a sort of meditation, in that it helped relax my body and clear my mind. But I still worried about things and I didn’t feel in control of my life. How do I empty all of that? Exercise was a way to feel good but it didn’t allow me to let go.
About a month of meditation 10 minutes a day seemed to have a noticeable effect. I was more patient and I was starting to relate to my colleagues differently. There was a feeling of space opening up that was hard to describe, but I knew something was changing. So I continued meditating.
3/ Why most people meditate
Nowadays, many people come into meditation with clear goals like I did. They’ve heard about the myriad of benefits and scientific studies that show meditation can change your brain and quiet your mental chatter. There’s clearly a reason CEOs, movie stars, top companies and the military alike are all prescribing mindfulness meditation. They are in it for the ‘superpowers.’
The promise is that you will experience less stress, more peace, patience, creativity, better sleep and a gazillion other amazing things. I even saw a Google ad recently that advertised meditation for negotiation. Well, there you have it! It seems that there are more than a few great reasons to start meditating.
But after ten years of meditation, I’ve realized that this goal-oriented approach has its limits. While it was perhaps an okay starting point, it might prevent a lot of people from continuing a consistent meditation practice. And more importantly, it misses the bigger picture. Let me explain.
4/ Spoiler alert: sometimes meditation is stressful
There are two issues when you come in with a strong intention for meditation.
The first is that intentions are closely tied to expectations. Unfortunately, if you expect your meditation to be peaceful, or joyful, or stress-busting, you may be sorely disappointed. These are all positive side effects of meditation, and can certainly happen, but they are not guaranteed immediately and certainly not in every session.
When you hold on to an expectation like this, you might be discouraged from continuing. When you’re expecting bliss and you have to deal with a throbbing back and knee, what are you going to do? When you expect a feeling of joy, but instead all of your negative thoughts are brought to the forefront, will you run away? Yeah, if you haven’t heard this before I’m saying it now: meditation can be stressful!
Which isn’t such a bad thing, because what’s worth having that’s easy to get? Not much. And in a world constantly telling us to do more, get more and be something, sitting in silence while doing nothing is perhaps one of the hardest exercises. No one said it was going to be easy.
In my case, I was lucky to see some benefits pretty early on, but I honestly experienced lots of discomfort. As one meditation teacher said, “I came for the magic, but I stayed for the suffering.”
I’ve met so many people who treated meditation like a pill instead of a skill, like playing the piano. They gave up after a few days because they didn’t find what they were looking for. That’s a shame. It takes a few weeks or months of playing the piano before you can play something decent, and meditation is no different. It takes time.
5/ Are you missing the bigger picture?
The second issue is more fundamental. Sam Harris, author and creator of the Waking Up meditation app, has an apt analogy. He asks you to consider these questions:
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