Why you can’t “change” your partner (but all hope is not lost)
The counterintuitive lesson about accepting my partner that I learned the hard way
This post is #3 in a multi-post series called Relationship Lessons I Learned the Hard Way. See all the posts below:
#1 Never Say I Don’t Believe You
#2 You’re speaking a different language
1/ Failed attempts at change
One New Year in Japan I decided that it would be a great idea to go to a hot spring, chill out, and journal about my plan to “crush it” next year. My wife and I made our way out to one of our favorite onsens about an hour south of Tokyo for what was supposed to be a pretty relaxing day.
My idea of journaling was to come up with a very structured list of goals and timelines split up into categories like career, finance, health, and so forth. I’m pretty sure I got this idea from one of the many self-help books I was reading at the time.
So in between soaking in the sulfuric, nutrient-soaked baths, I enthusiastically explained to my wife how this journaling system worked. We sat down with our pens to start writing. I blasted through several sheets of paper, jotting down my thoughts and ideas for world domination.
I looked over to see what my wife had written and when I saw mostly blank paper, I immediately frowned. She’d only written a couple of things and was now eating an ice cream cone.
“I can’t think of anything else to write,” she told me, nonchalantly as she chomped down. I tried to brainstorm and spitball ideas with her, and found myself getting frustrated that she wasn’t putting as much effort into it as I was. Didn’t she care about having a great year? I egged her on but that only made matters worse. Eventually, I gave up, and she went to get a massage.
How do you get other people to do things you want them to do, especially if that someone is your partner? How do you get them to change?
This seems like a very selfish question on the surface, but there are many situations where you know, you just know, that they would be better off. Like if they followed your exercise regime, meditated, ate healthier food, or used your highly effective journaling technique to plan out their year. Surely, these would have some positive impact, and it’s thus worth reminding them and encouraging them to do so (even if they’re a bit annoyed about it). Right?
2/ Why being pushy and annoying doesn’t work (seriously though, why did I ever think it would?)
I've found that the more you try to change someone’s behavior in a controlling way, the more they pull away. And the more frustrated, upset or annoyed you get at them for “not doing what you want,” the less likely they are to ever consider your option in the future. Even the slightest hint of disapproval and judgment is easy to pick up on — millions of years of social evolution has made sure of it. Unfortunately, I’ve made this mistake many times: trying to force my desires onto others and getting the opposite result.
When I have a good idea that I sincerely believe would benefit my wife, and believe that it might face some resistance, the best I’ve been able to do is to make a casual suggestion to try X thing without implying she is a lesser person or wrong for not doing so (in other words, not judging her). For example, when I took an ukulele and singing lesson that I thought she would also like, I mentioned it to her a couple of times and then dropped it. She also noticed how much I was enjoying it, and eventually signed up herself. (She ended up really liking it and said ‘I wish I would have gone sooner.’ I try hard not to rub that one in her face.)
This might seem obvious, but it can be pretty subtle in how you communicate your intentions. If I go in with an “agenda” to convince her to take this singing lesson because it’s the greatest thing in the world, I would be setting myself up for failure. And let’s be honest, deep down (or right at the surface) there IS often an agenda. So you have to throw that shit out. If you want someone to change, then do the thing yourself and don’t be pushy about it. More often than not, that’s enough to pique someone’s curiosity. And curiosity is a precursor to change.
The healthy habits like meditating and journaling that I implemented years ago rubbed off on my wife (we have been meditating and journaling every morning for years), but I was never pushy or adamant about these. I simply did them every day because I wanted to, and eventually she became curious about it and started the habit. Notice how this approach is the complete opposite from saying, “You should meditate because it’s good for you” and silently judging if they don’t.
Of course, you have to be willing to lose some battles. My wife once mentioned that it would be cool to get a yoga certification, and since then I had this dream that my wife should go to India to get certified and become a yoga instructor. I planned it all out in my head and brought it up several times, “When are you going to get your yoga certification?” My dream, not hers. In reality, the yoga teacher thing was a comment she said in passing which I latched on to and became extremely supportive of, even though she wasn’t actually that excited about it.
“Come on,” I say, “Being a yoga instructor would be so cool!” Nope. Not gonna have it. My overexertion and enthusiasm probably caused her to back off from this idea. The saying, which I’ve heard in the corporate world, applies here: “Disagree and commit.” It’s usually said in terms of some conflict, but I think it works here in the situation where you want your partner to change.
This means that you might not see eye-to-eye, or want the same things you want. But instead of fighting a losing battle it’s best to accept that you disagree, but move on amicably. Otherwise, you’ll hold grudges and stay annoyed at each other. Or worse, you’ll find yourself saying, “If only my partner would be x y or z, or if only my partner would do x y z, then I would be happy…” And that is a recipe for being miserable.
3/ How simply listening and accepting your partner will allow them to change
People want to be happy. They want to be better. They want to grow. Even when they’re in a shithole place, being constantly beat down by their captor, there’s some sort of drive that moves them toward escape for a better life.
This tendency of humans to self-actualize, to move towards “being better” has been talked about by psychologists and philosophers for centuries. Carl Rogers, the godfather of therapy, sums it up:
“Individuals have within themselves vast resources for self-understanding and for altering their self-concepts, basic attitudes, and self-directed behavior; these resources can be tapped if a definable climate of facilitative psychological attitudes can be provided.”
However, growth doesn’t come as naturally in all situations. My friend has an overly critical boss and is thus terrified of making mistakes, which causes her tension and stress, making her more risk-averse and ironically causes her to make more mistakes than she would otherwise. Her growth is being impeded by a person who doesn’t fully accept her, and who has unrealistic expectations.
In person-centered psychotherapy there is an idea that acceptance is at the core of change, and that people themselves have the answers to their problems. Therapy is a safe-space to help them find the answers for themselves, not to tell them what to do. I’m not suggesting you try and play therapist with your partner. Obviously, if they have some real issues that need professional therapy, they should go see a therapist.
But when it comes to trying to “change” your partner (which, by now, I hope you can see is futile, since no one can make them change except themselves), I do think there are pretty useful communication skills and approaches we can learn from therapy.
There’s three core pieces that are part of the therapist's role. When you have all three, the client is more likely to get to a place where they can make positive changes on their own. I reframed them a bit in the context of talking to your partner.
Unconditional positive regard – Acceptance and nonjudgmental behavior allows the space your partner needs throughout the exploration process. No matter what crazy thing your partner says in that moment – no matter what feeling they have whether that’s anger, confusion, love, pride, fear etc. – you believe them and acknowledge it.
Empathy – This outlook is a way of being with your partner. You need not agree with your partner, but you do need to express genuine understanding. This sensitive, active listening makes your partner feel heard, which is exceedingly rare in our lives.
Being real/genuine – Authentic interactions between you and your partner are key. You act in accordance with your own values and beliefs throughout the relationship – you are not trying to please-people and are transparent.
In sum, if you’re authentic, make an effort to understand, and don’t judge the other person, it opens up the possibility that they will change. A sunset is beautiful because you accept it exactly for what it is. You don’t look at the sunset and think, “Hmm, it would be great if you could soften the orange a bit, adjust the hue down at the base and shine a bit more of your rays through that cloud.” No, you just accept it and the sunset will change on its own.
But how does that work exactly? When you’re listening to someone without judging them, this allows them to more fully listen to what’s going on inside themselves, instead of trying to block it out (because of fear, shame, etc). Once they start to understand themselves better and become more accepting of themselves (because you are accepting them), they become more real and genuine. When they’re more real, they give themselves greater freedom to be themselves! And that usually leads to some growth.
Here’s a couple of examples of how this could play out:
Wrong approach: Your partner is miserable in their job (or health, or whatever) and you want your partner to change that (because you want them to be happy). You can say, “Hey, you’re clearly unhappy in your job and want to quit. Let me help you find a new, better job.” But without the prerequisite of an open, non judgmental conversation, it feels like you’re controlling the situation. That could backfire and cause them to double down and retreat further into their shitty job to “figure it out.” Why are they torturing themselves? Perhaps they don’t want to be seen as a quitter, or maybe they are insecure about being jobless, or maybe they’re afraid, or there’s some other dynamic. You won’t know until you have the conversation.
Better approach: Your partner is miserable in their job (or health, or whatever) and you want your partner to change that (because you want them to be happy). Instead, you talk about it. “What’s going on right now/what are you feeling? What’s most difficult about work? What do you like most about it? What do you want to do? What options do you have?” Without putting specific ideas in their head (unless they ask for it), you are in empathetic listening mode.
Once they have acknowledged their feelings – and you have acknowledged them without trying to change them – they can start to accept the situation fully. When they do, they can start to think about taking an action, instead of going back and forth in their heads. Good work – you have served your purpose as an instigator of change, and all you did was listen. (Of course, your partner may need to hear themselves talk about the same thing 10 times before it clicks or when they finally muster the courage to put in their 2 weeks notice, so be patient).
You have to be willing to accept that they won’t always change in the way you want them to. That’s part of life. They’re a separate person, after all. My wife may never become a yoga instructor, and I have to live with that (I think I’ll manage).
Lastly, this whole approach takes some getting used to, especially if you tend to throw ideas and judgments left and right, but it’s honestly the best method I’ve found that allows both people to maintain their autonomy, happiness, and still make positive changes without burning down the house.
TL;DR
You can’t make people change, they have to do that on their own.
The more pushy you are, the less likely people are going to change. So stop harassing your partner.
The best you can do is give a suggestion and be the change you want to see, but don’t get attached to the outcome. If they do not agree, then move on.
We all want to be happy and have an inner drive to be better. Some situations and communication styles make it easier for this drive to come out.
The more accepting you are, the more likely a person is to be themselves, and thus the less likely they are going to internally resist an idea. The more likely they are to consider it and move towards positive change on their own.
Thanks for reading! What failed or successful approaches have you tried in “changing” your partner? Drop me a comment bellow and let’s chat.