You’re speaking a different language
And how to figure out wtf the other person wants in a relationship
This post is #2 in a multi-post series called Relationship Lessons I Learned the Hard Way. See all the posts below:
#1 Never Say I Don’t Believe You
#2 You’re speaking a different language
1/ Our desires are hiding in plain sight
I never understood why my wife — girlfriend at the time — would get so pissed off with me every Sunday morning. The week would be going perfectly fine, we’d have a wonderful evening Saturday night, and then the next day all hell would break loose. And when I say “hell,” I mean the worst hell of all: the silent treatment. Babe, what’s wrong? What did I do? ‘Nothing, nothing at all,’ she replies. My mistakes and transgressions remained shrouded in mystery.
Until one day I noticed a pattern so obvious that a chimpanzee would’ve caught on faster. Like clockwork, Sunday morning involved washing dishes, doing laundry, and cleaning up around the house. I wouldn’t be involved, though, and would spend the morning reading and meditating. Therein was the problem. There was an unspoken expectation for me to contribute to the morning chores. But even when I asked about this, I was brushed off with a ‘No it’s okay, you don’t need to help.’
I am equally, if not more, guilty of doing the same thing — not speaking my mind and being annoyed when the other person doesn’t understand what I want. There were times that I wanted to spend 1-1 time with a friend, and I felt guilty for not inviting my wife since we were ‘paired at the hip’. In a long-term relationship it can sometimes feel like you have to invite that other person. The truth is there’s nothing wrong with spending alone time with other people, and in fact it’s necessary to maintain your sanity and deepen relationships with friends.
Instead of naming what I was feeling, “guilt around not inviting her to everything,” and having an open discussion, I bottled it up. The result was a period of time where I wasn’t sure if she felt left out; so I actually became anxious around how often I should include her in certain activities. Strangely, I even became annoyed at her for not being more pushy to include herself in these activities (I expected her to read my mind to know exactly when I wanted her to join or I wanted to go solo). This calculation and balancing act was entirely in my own head, which built up to something bigger than it was. It was ridiculous. It didn’t receive the light of day until we actually spoke about it. Like most things, once I said it out loud and we had a chat, we quickly sorted it out.
Most of the time we know what we want, even if we don’t always say it. Speaking your mind is usually the starting point to understand your own desires, which leads to clearer expectations in the relationship. After we make our own desires known, the bigger challenge is then to figure out what in the hell the other person really wants. Often times, it’s in plain sight.
2/ Unconditional dish-washing?
For a long time I suspected that men and women wanted different things, and that these desires varied for all couples. During the honeymoon period of a relationship, especially if you’re not living together yet, these differences are less apparent. There’s infatuation and excitement that supersedes the little annoying things about the other person which you can live with. That is, until you actually have to live with it. Once you move in together, the real fun starts.
This is where you really learn about the person, all their quirks and less favorable character traits. The unfiltered, messy truth comes out. The perfectionist clashes with the nonchalant type. Little tussles turn into bigger tensions if not diffused. The basis of solving these conflicts is an openness to speak your mind and to listen to the other person, who sees the world differently than you.
Eventually, you fall into a rhythm of responsibilities and expectations. For me, there were obvious ones – I wanted sex and she wanted me to do the dishes. At times they felt like a quid pro quo exchange, you give me this and I give you that. But I learned that sort of thinking isn’t very sustainable, because then you get an erection every time you pick up the dish soap. Just kidding (sort of). What I mean to say is that this sort of thinking is conditional. And conditionality doesn’t usually lend itself to lasting joy and happiness (‘I will only be happy if you do this for me’).
There’s the age-old challenge of getting someone to do what you want without expecting something in return– to fulfill your needs. How the hell do you get them to do that — that is, to wash the dishes unconditionally? The simple answer is that while unconditional love does exist, sometimes you still need to ask for what you want. Your partner can’t always read your mind. So, just fucking ask them. Tell them what’s on your mind. “Hey it really makes me happy when you do X and Y. It may not seem important, but it really is for me.” Usually, the worst thing that could happen is you start a conversation.
The more complicated answer is that even if you do tell them, they might listen…but they may not actually change their behavior. And they may still expect something in return, usually because they are not totally happy themselves. Yeah, welcome to life. People aren’t just going to do everything you want them to do and are more concerned about themselves. People have to want to do those things on their own for the action to be sustainable.
The painful realization I’ve had is that, more often than not, you have to change yourself first before the other person will budge. Yep, that’s right. You have to go first to give them what they want without expecting anything in return. Doing that genuinely actually opens up the other person to change.
3/ Love languages - a cheesy but effective approach
In a conversation with my therapist about attachment, desire and trying to sort through some of these very issues in my own relationship (and asking the wrong questions like how do I get the other person to do what I want? etc), he recommended the book The Five Love Languages, where the author maps out the primary ways we like to give and receive love. I knew the book was going to be good because of its incredibly lame cover and cheesy title. As corny as it was, this was a game changer for me.
The basic premise of the book is this: We all want to receive love in different ways, and it pays to figure out what you and your partner actually want. There are also certain ways of giving love to others that come more naturally to us than others. Your actions and good deeds may have the best of intentions, but it doesn’t matter the least bit if you’re speaking a different language. You may THINK that buying those flowers or spending all that time with your partner is what they want, but in fact it could very well be the opposite.
The 5 love languages are, in no particular order:
Words of affirmation - saying encouraging/nice/supportive things to each other
Touch - not necessarily sexual
Acts of service - helping out with chores, kids, projects
Receiving gifts - everything from flowers to a surprise party
Quality time - not just spending time with each other, but how you’re spending time together
Here’s a simple way to understand the framing of these differences:
Figuring out what you and your partner’s love language is can be the first step to understanding each other (you both can take a quiz here, and I’d recommend reading the book). It can unearth where the miscommunication or misalignment of expectations could be lurking.
A relationship coach made this handy infographic that lists out a few examples on what this actually looks like in practice, and what to avoid:
For example, you think your partner likes gifts. You go out and buy flowers or tickets to a concert or expensive jewelry. But if receiving gifts is at the bottom of their list and their primary love language is ‘acts of service’, you’re better off doing the laundry, folding clothes, doing dishes, and taking some action rather than simply buying something. Buying flowers might be easier for you in this case, but it’s not going to actually make them that happy.
The feeling your partner gets is not “Yeah, you better do you part, lazy-ass.” But more like, “They love me. I am loved. They really do care.”
This whole idea of Love Languages seemed like a big ploy devised by women to convince men to be less lazy around the house. Also, could it really be that my desire for touch (including sex) shares the equivalent desire, pleasure and importance to my partner as her desire for me to clean the house or to do my part to plan the itinerary for a trip or to give her compliments about her work project?
Yes. That’s exactly what I am saying. Everyone has different needs. You have to seriously believe your partner, even if you don’t share that perspective yourself (what I spoke about in last week’s newsletter). It’s normal to feel a little weird, unnatural or strange to be communicating in your partner’s love language, particularly when that language is not yours.
I learned that one of my top love languages is words of affirmation. I get motivated and feel loved when I’m showered with compliments, praise, and positive feedback. However, my wife’s main love language is acts of service (We tend to more easily give the language that is our own, i.e, if you like to get compliments, you are more likely to give compliments), and she thus more naturally defaults to doing things for me. And it’s not about housework necessarily. For instance, she helps with research for a project or planning an event I’m working on without me asking for it. This is really helpful, and no doubt I’m grateful.
But the feeling I get of love and warmth is a lot greater when she gives me a simple compliment like, “I liked your podcast episode” or when she gives me a comment on what I wrote and then we have a conversation about it. It’s surprisingly low effort, from my perspective, but for her it takes conscious effort and willpower to remember to do this. Ditto for me and doing the laundry etc.
The first step is understanding your own language, that way you can communicate it to them. The second step is to understand your partner’s language. The third step is, very crucially, to not expect them to change tomorrow and switch to your preferred language immediately. In the best case scenario, you both have a super open conversation about love languages and make immediate changes. More probable, one of you is more into this at first and has to make the changes first.
Thus the best action you can take, I’ve learned, is to start speaking their language first. Yeah, I know. This isn’t easy. You have to drop your ego and unconditionally do things for your partner.
After a few weeks (it takes time) of taking actions that are more aligned to their language, there will likely be a shift: they will be happier, grateful, and might even say, “wow, what’s gotten into you?”
This naturally opens itself to having a conversation with your partner about these love languages, and they are more likely to start taking into consideration your needs and desires. And when that happens, that’ll feel really good because you can finally be heard and loved in a way that’s meaningful for both of you. You can finally start speaking the same language.
Thanks for reading. Drop me a comment below and let me know what you thought.
Such a coincidence, was just talking about the 5 love languages to my partner - would be interesting to hear more details on how you & your wife navigated adjusting to each other's love langugaes, the challenges, the time it took etc.