Such a coincidence, was just talking about the 5 love languages to my partner - would be interesting to hear more details on how you & your wife navigated adjusting to each other's love langugaes, the challenges, the time it took etc.
Nice! Yeah, it took a bit of trial and error. After probably a couple of months of trying out different things, I think we got into a good groove. We don’t really talk about “love languages” anymore and it’s a more natural communication style where we’re open about what we like/don’t like, i.e. if a need isn’t being met we make it very clear. So it’s not perfect by any means, and I don’t think there is a state where it will ever be perfect. It’ll be an ongoing process of evolution together; sometimes we fuck up, sometimes we do great, and as long as we’re open with each other about it then we can grow together.
What I found useful was positive reinforcement when your language was being spoken. For example Affirmations don’t come as naturally to my wife, although that’s my top love language, so when she did make an effort to give a compliment or comment or feedback or encourage me on something, I’d always respond really positively (“thanks for saying that, it means a lot” or even a simple thanks). Saying nothing would be bad, as she wouldn’t have known she was doing a good job.
On my end, for acts of service, I’d have to be proactive and often ask “what can I help with?” Eventually I figured out some of the things that she appreciated, like instead of asking her/waiting for her to order something on Amazon I’d just do it myself. Small things like that add up.
Another thing that helped was being direct and vocal in sharing what was and wasn't going well. We'd check in every week and ask how it was going. For example touch is one mine and not hers, so the question to me would be: Are you getting enough touch? (And from my end, I ask am I touching TOO much? B/c overdoing a love language that isn’t your partners primary one doesn’t do too much, in fact it can be annoying). And for hers a big one is acts of service, so I ask, "Am I doing enough? How was I this week?" And this would give us a chance to speak and then make adjustments.
When we first started experimenting with this it was particularly emotional. There was conflict and frustration around what the other person REALLY wanted or meant. It wasn’t a habit for either of us to be that explicit, and like many couples (I assume) we had a lot of communication habits that were hard to break. Eventually, we realized it was just easier to be super upfront about what both of us wanted. There were some other things that helped on this front about being more open w/ our emotions, like the eye-gazing meditation I talked about in a recent newsletter. We were doing 10 minutes of eye gazing every few days for two or three weeks, and that made us more intimate, which in turn made it easier to talk about these love languages.
Such a coincidence, was just talking about the 5 love languages to my partner - would be interesting to hear more details on how you & your wife navigated adjusting to each other's love langugaes, the challenges, the time it took etc.
Nice! Yeah, it took a bit of trial and error. After probably a couple of months of trying out different things, I think we got into a good groove. We don’t really talk about “love languages” anymore and it’s a more natural communication style where we’re open about what we like/don’t like, i.e. if a need isn’t being met we make it very clear. So it’s not perfect by any means, and I don’t think there is a state where it will ever be perfect. It’ll be an ongoing process of evolution together; sometimes we fuck up, sometimes we do great, and as long as we’re open with each other about it then we can grow together.
What I found useful was positive reinforcement when your language was being spoken. For example Affirmations don’t come as naturally to my wife, although that’s my top love language, so when she did make an effort to give a compliment or comment or feedback or encourage me on something, I’d always respond really positively (“thanks for saying that, it means a lot” or even a simple thanks). Saying nothing would be bad, as she wouldn’t have known she was doing a good job.
On my end, for acts of service, I’d have to be proactive and often ask “what can I help with?” Eventually I figured out some of the things that she appreciated, like instead of asking her/waiting for her to order something on Amazon I’d just do it myself. Small things like that add up.
Another thing that helped was being direct and vocal in sharing what was and wasn't going well. We'd check in every week and ask how it was going. For example touch is one mine and not hers, so the question to me would be: Are you getting enough touch? (And from my end, I ask am I touching TOO much? B/c overdoing a love language that isn’t your partners primary one doesn’t do too much, in fact it can be annoying). And for hers a big one is acts of service, so I ask, "Am I doing enough? How was I this week?" And this would give us a chance to speak and then make adjustments.
When we first started experimenting with this it was particularly emotional. There was conflict and frustration around what the other person REALLY wanted or meant. It wasn’t a habit for either of us to be that explicit, and like many couples (I assume) we had a lot of communication habits that were hard to break. Eventually, we realized it was just easier to be super upfront about what both of us wanted. There were some other things that helped on this front about being more open w/ our emotions, like the eye-gazing meditation I talked about in a recent newsletter. We were doing 10 minutes of eye gazing every few days for two or three weeks, and that made us more intimate, which in turn made it easier to talk about these love languages.