You're not looking me in the eye
You notice two couples at dinner. The first couple are looking each other in the eye and are having a conversation. The second couple are tapping away at their phones.
Which couple has the more intimate relationship that is likely to last?
I can be quick to judge and have to catch myself. Maybe the texting couple just finished having a deep conversation and are unwinding. Or they’re both on a business trip and doing a group chat with their kids at home.
Maybe I’m just being unrealistic in thinking that couples can maintain that level of engagement over a casual dinner when phones are ubiquitous. But I can’t help but wonder if their relationships are doomed.
Dr. John Gottman has been studying relationships for over four decades. He found several predictors of divorce, with a high degree of accuracy. Avoiding eye contact is one of the signs that things could be headed for the gutter.
Other queues are pretending to be busy, no communication at all, and doing other stuff instead of actually talking. I have a friend who told me he lives with his wife but never actually talks to her. That’s pretty sad. That level of disconnection means one partner, or both, aren’t willing to or able to put in the minimum amount of effort to maintain the relationship.
A lack of eye contact or pretending to be busy are more symptoms than they are the cause. The real cause could be that you’ve built up resentment (for one reason or another), you don’t feel heard, you’ve tried but don’t know how to get your message across and have just given up.
So you disengage. You do something else. You pretend to be busy, texting or working or playing games and never have the conversation that you so badly need to have. This is called stonewalling. You have built a wall and aren’t letting anyone in. And what you need now is someone to come around with a fucking hammer and bust that wall down.
In the 1960’s before it was banned, MDMA, you may know as the party and love drug ecstasy, was used for couples therapy. This was one effective pill. They called it “10 years of couples therapy in one night.” What happens in one of these MDMA-assisted sessions? It’s not necessarily that the deepest darkest secrets arise. It’s mostly just honest talking. Being open about what you’re feeling and what you’re frustrated about and all the things that have been left unsaid. There’s also lots of eye contact.1
While MDMA is still technically illegal in most places and under clinical trials in the US (you can get MDMA-assisted therapy if you have PTSD), you can skip the drugs and just look your partner in the eye.
Here, we can try it right now together:
Eye-gazing has been practiced for thousands of years in Buddhist, Tantric and Sufi traditions. In fact, one of the OGs of hypnotism, Franz Mesmer (where we get the word mesmerized!), used eye-gazing as a primary form of psychotherapy.
In her now famous exhibit, The Artist is Present, Marina Abramovic pulled up a chair and a table and sat in the exhibition hall for three weeks. She invited anyone to come sit and gaze at her eyes for as long as they wanted. People came in droves. They laughed. They cried. They were touched to the core. And all she did was sit there and look at people in the eye.
Studies have found that gazing at your partner for a few minutes is enough to noticeably increase intimacy, empathy and connection. Oxytocin goes up. Your heart rate slows. Your blinking actually starts to sync.
I’ve done this with my wife and with friends (I know I started this post talking about couples, but you can do this with anyone to build a stronger connection). It usually gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling and the world feels like it’s standing still. Sometimes I don’t feel a lot, or maybe I want to run away, but I don’t. Other times I’ll even start crying. If you look at each other for more than a few minutes and let your eyes naturally drift, you will even start to hallucinate. Yes, it’s that powerful.
I’m not talking about a glance. I mean really look. That means sitting right in front of each other for at least five minutes, preferably ten, and just staring at each other. Your eyes might get dry - obviously it’s fine to blink. Focus on one eye.
It’s awkward at first, no doubt. But once you get over that awkwardness, it becomes easy. You might need to try it over a few consecutive days. Stick with it. It’s not going to solve all of your problems, but it could get you to start talking. Or crying. Or laughing. Or it can at least be the start of something new. And when’s the last time you did something new together?
Thanks for reading! Drop me a comment and let me know what you thought of this week’s newsletter.
There is some variance across cultures. Japanese people generally make less eye contact than Westerners. But regardless of where you’re from, we’re talking about biochemistry, so it’s possible that everyone does need a lot of eye contact, and some of our modern cultures have simply forgotten this.